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  The Irishman next to him blushed and leaned in, “Yes, I guess it is, in a certain way.”

  They met in the middle; the kiss hesitant at first then more insistent as Solomon pressed forward. Mathieu sat back with a gasp. Solomon pushed himself back, “sorry, got a little carried away.”

  The brunette sat back in his corner, “It’s okay. It’s just that I don’t want to rush things. I like you. I’d like to get to know you better before…um….things progress.”

  “I like you too. Is cuddling okay?”

  “Cuddling is fine. I like cuddling.”

  “Come here then.” Solomon settled back into his corner and held out his arms. Mathieu snuggled into the embrace and they watched the rest of the movie.

  CHAPTER 4

  Every Sunday Solomon, Adrian and Anders took turns choosing a place to meet for brunch. This Sunday was Solomon’s day to choose and he picked AJ’s Café on Sutton Lane. They hadn’t been there before but they were always willing to try someplace new. The café was bright and open with brick walls, pendant lights hung low over every indoor table, shelving behind the sales counter displayed packaged coffee and wine for sale, a large chalkboard covering most of one wall displayed the menu, the décor was simple dark red, black and white. Solomon liked it immediately. There were no tables available outside so they were seated at a table next to the windows overlooking the lane. Glasses of water were set on the table as the three men perused the menu; Adrian ordered the roast chicken salad with avocados and roasted potatoes; Anders the organic smoked salmon and a side salad, and Solomon the Irish stew with lamb, potatoes and root vegetables.

  “You should’ve asked your boyfriend to come.” Adrian elbowed Anders in the ribs to signify that the teasing of Solomon had begun.

  “He’s not my boyfriend….yet. He wants to go slow and even if he were my boyfriend I’m not sure he would come.” Solomon frowned.

  “Why wouldn’t he come?” Anders worried, “didn’t he like my food?”

  Adrian asks, “What did you tell him about us?”

  “I didn’t tell him anything. I mean, I told him good things. I didn’t even mention the incident with the donkey…yet.” Solomon teased right back.

  Adrian glared playfully, “So what’s the problem? And you can just forget about the donkey thing.”

  Anders continued to worry, “It was the food, wasn’t it? He didn’t like it.”

  “No,” seeing Anders’ frown deepen Solomon quickly continued, “I mean, yes he loved the lamb. It’s just that, well, I’m not exactly sure what happened. He didn’t say and I didn’t want to ask.”

  Anders and Adrian looked at each other then back at Solomon.

  “What? What happened?” Adrian asked.

  “He liked the lamb though, right?” Anders was still worried.

  “Yes, he liked the lamb. He passed out.”

  “He liked it so much he passed out? I’ve never had anyone pass out after eating my food before. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” He turned to Adrian, “Is that good or bad?” Anders scratched the back of his head.

  “My best friends are idiots. He didn’t pass out over the food. He passed out earlier.”

  “I think you need to start at the beginning.” Anders was confused and he knew that by the look on Adrian’s face he was too.

  Solomon explained, “I helped him make us brunch yesterday.”

  Adrian interrupted, “Okay, I’m with you so far.”

  Solomon scowled at him, “We were talking about coffee makers, I said that we should go shopping and get me a new one.”

  “Okay, I’ll stop interrupting now.” Adrian interrupted again.

  Solomon rolled his eyes and sighed, “Can you do something about him, please?” he asked Anders while he pointed at Adrian.

  Anders wrapped his arm around Adrian’s head and put his hand over his mouth. They both tried not to laugh.

  “Thank you. Where was I? Oh, yeah, coffee makers. I said we should go shopping. The next thing I know he’s white knuckling the side of the dining table, sweating and almost hyperventilating. He stood up, swayed and passed out.”

  This time the interruption came when the waiter brought out their orders. They each thanked him in turn then Solomon continued, “Thank God I was close enough to catch him. He would’ve smacked his head on a chair.”

  Anders dropped his hand from Adrian’s mouth, “What did you do?”

  “I laid him on the floor, got a towel from the kitchen to wipe his face then lifted him so he was resting against me until he woke up.”

  “How long was he out for?” Anders asked.

  “About five minutes or so.”

  “And then?” Anders was concerned for Solomon’s new friend.

  “Then we sat on the floor until he wanted to lie down. I helped him up and into the bedroom then I left. I called you a couple hours later and ordered dinner.”

  Adrian asked, “What do you think happened?”

  “I think he had some sort of panic attack.”

  “Panic attack? Over coffee makers?” Adrian was still a little confused.

  “No,” Anders provided, “over going outside.”

  Solomon nodded at Anders, “That’s what I thought too. He told me that he didn’t feel comfortable out on his balcony. He works from home too and he mentioned ordering groceries.”

  “What are you going to do?” Adrian asked.

  “I’m going to wait until he’s ready to talk about it. What else can I do?” Solomon shrugged.

  “He had a panic attack and you only mentioned going outside. What do you think would happen if he actually went?” Adrian asked one of the questions Solomon had been asking himself.

  “I have no idea,” Solomon sighed.

  “Do you want to be in a relationship with a guy that can’t or won’t go outside? There are going to be places you want to go, things you want to do and he won’t be able to go with you. Is he on medication? What about therapy?” Anders asked more questions Solomon had been asking himself.

  “I don’t know. Like I said, I didn’t ask him about it. I really like him though. Okay, so I’ve known him less than a week but I really like him.” Solomon sighed, “Suggestions?”

  Anders responded first, “the number one thing, obviously, is you have to talk to him about it.”

  “If he won’t go out or wants to but can’t you’ll need a lot of patience. You need to understand that you won’t be able to ‘fix’ him. Support him and encourage him but don’t push.” Adrian added.

  “Since when are you so smart?” The Welshman across from Solomon shot him a sour look but smiled.

  “Hey! I’m smarter than I look.” Adrian stuck his tongue out at Solomon.

  Anders added, “I think it would be wise to really think about how this relationship is likely to affect you too. If you decide to be with him you’ll have to be in all the way. You’d become his support structure, he’d start to rely on you and if you pulled away then he could become even worse. Could you live with that?”

  The blonde heard his friends talking but all the questions he had about his neighbor’s condition were running through his brain, ‘What if he can never go out? How do I help him? How does he cope? Has he been to therapy? Is he on medication? What do I do if he won’t or can’t get better? What do I want out of this relationship? What can I do to help him? What can he do to help himself? Does he need help? Does he want help? What if it doesn’t work out between us?’ They had given him a lot to think about but the first step was to get Mathieu to talk. He felt his mobile vibrate and removed it from his pocket.

  When Mathieu woke that morning he was almost sick over his connection with his neighbor. On one hand he could see himself having a relationship with the blonde but Solomon was a very nice man and he deserved someone better, someone ‘normal’. He told himself he was broken with little hope of being fixed and that it wouldn’t be fair to Solomon, he wouldn’t leave his flat; he passed out just thinking about going outs
ide; he had nothing to offer; broken. He decided that the only fair thing to do was not to see Solomon anymore. There was going to be no more opening of his sliders or texting or calling or lessons. He wouldn’t open the door if anybody knocked. He opened a new text message and entered, ‘I can’t see you anymore. It’s for the best’, and sent it to Solomon.

  Solomon looked down on his phone in amazement and was only brought back to reality when Adrian banged on the table, “Jesus! What’s wrong with you?”

  Adrian scowled, “me? What’s wrong with you?”

  Anders tried to be the peacemaker, “Adrian, back off. Solomon, what is it?”

  Solomon looked back down at his phone, “It’s Mathieu. He says he doesn’t want to see me anymore and that it’s for the best.”

  “What do you think brought that on? Everything was fine when you left him last night, right?” Anders asked the frowning man.

  “Text him back.” Adrian told him.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Solomon was lost; he thought, ‘I can’t be heartbroken, can I? I just met the man’. He put his phone down on the table and dropped his head into his hands; it sure felt like heartbreak.

  “You always know what to say. Ask him why he doesn’t want to see you anymore.” Adrian paused and regarded his friend, “Are you okay?” He put his hand on his friend’s arm.

  “No. I’m not okay. I know it’s stupid because I just met him but….”

  “You should go and try to talk to him.” Anders signaled the waiter for the check.

  ***

  Solomon knocked on Mathieu’s door, “Mathieu? Please open the door.” He waited and listened, there was no sound coming from behind the closed door. “Mathieu, please. Talk to me. I know you’re in there. Please, Mathieu, don’t do this.” He leaned against the closed door with his hand on the knob, “Mathieu, I’m not willing to give up on you, on us. Mathieu?”

  Mathieu heard Solomon at the door from his place curled up on the sofa. He wanted to get up. He wanted to say he was sorry for sending the text. He wanted the blonde to hold him in his arms. But he didn’t get up. He didn’t say he was sorry. His arms only wrapped around himself. When he heard Solomon move down the hall and enter his own flat he curled in on himself tighter and silently wept.

  Once settled in his apartment Solomon fired up his laptop and googled ‘panic attacks’. He printed out a few things that looked informative. Next he followed a link to ‘agoraphobia’ and printed out a few more things. As he read through the documents; symptoms and causes, the relationship between the two disorders and the treatment options he highlighted some areas and wrote down some questions in the margins. After he finished highlighting he clicked on a link to ‘blame’ and studied the screen. He thought he recognized what Mathieu was probably doing; Mathieu was blaming himself for his condition and pushing Solomon away. By pushing him away Mathieu was practicing ‘avoidance behavior’, avoiding any circumstance that may cause another attack and because Mathieu had had an attack in front of him or more likely because of him, he became a situation to be avoided. Solomon also read that by practicing this behavior Mathieu was liable to get worse because he was avoiding his fears instead of facing them. Solomon resolved to do whatever he could to get Mathieu back.

  ***

  The next morning Solomon stopped and listened again at Mathieu’s door before heading off to work, “Mathieu? Please talk to me. You don’t have to open the door just let me know you’re okay.”

  The Irishman heard Solomon at the door because he had never moved from his place on the sofa the night before. He opened his mouth to shout out ‘I’m okay, don’t leave’ but he remained silent. He couldn’t let Solomon get involved with him, Solomon deserved better. Before long he heard his neighbor’s footsteps on the stairs. He laid there for a little while longer before slipping from the sofa to start his day.

  Usually always professional at work Solomon was distracted and touchy. He caught a mistake he made which would’ve cost his client a lot of money just before the transaction approval registered. All that morning the blonde had been leaving voice mail messages for his neighbor and unreturned messages made him even crankier. He took an early lunch to clear his head. He reviewed the documents he had printed the night before and they only served to confirm what he thought. He had to get Mathieu to talk about what happened to him.

  That night, when Solomon got home from work, he stopped in front of Mathieu’s door, put down his briefcase and sat on the floor with his back to the door, “Mathieu, please talk to me. I’m not going away until you say something.” He listened for a response when there wasn’t one he continued, “I can be very stubborn you know, just ask my friend Adrian, he’ll tell you. I’m not going to give up Mathieu. I did some research on your condition and it says that it will help you if you talk about it.” There was still no response. “I’ll tell you something about me, how about that?” He paused for a response, “I’ll take your silence as my cue to go ahead. I wish you would say something to at least let me know that I’m not sitting here talking to myself.” Another pause, “No? Okay.” He took a deep breath, “When I was 18 I started applying to universities. I applied to a few in New Zealand and Australia where my parents wanted me to go and I applied to a couple here in the UK where I thought it would be nice to go. I had never been away from home before and I thought I had no real hope of getting in to any of them here. I had always had excellent grades, highest in my class, I played football and I ran track. I even volunteered at an animal shelter not only because stuff like that looks good on applications but because I wanted too. I got a couple of acceptance letters from universities in New Zealand and Australia but when I got the acceptance letter to university here I was shocked. I was upset too. I knew my parents would never let me go. I thought that it would’ve been better if I had never applied or had been refused entrance. It was so far from home and there was no way we could afford it so I hid the letter from them.” Solomon stopped when he heard soft footsteps coming closer to the door then he heard Mathieu sliding down the door to sit on the other side. “When I got home from school one day my mom had the letter in her hand. She said she found it when she was looking in my room for her camera, which I took all the time, it was a Canon SLR. She had a really good telephoto lens too. I used to carry it around on the weekends and take all kinds of nature shots. I saw myself as some kind of James Audubon or Ansel Adams or something. I liked to shoot in black and white sometimes. I wonder where those pictures are now. I haven’t thought about them in years. They were in a box under my bed. I’ll have to see if my mom can send them to me. Anyway, where was I?”

  “You’re mom found the letter,” Mathieu replied quietly from the other side of the door.

  Solomon breathed a sigh of relief, “thank you. She handed me the letter and asked me why I hid it. I told her that it was a mistake and that I wasn’t going to ask if I could go. She looked at me like I had never seen her look at me before. She asked me if I wanted to go. I said that I didn’t but she must’ve seen that I was lying. A few days later my dad called me into the sitting room. He was in there with my mom and he said that if I really wanted to go to university in the UK then they would find a way to send me. At first I was so excited but as I thought about it I told them I wouldn’t go. I felt guilty about wanting to leave home and about them having to spend the money. I told them I changed my mind but my dad said he wouldn’t let me. He said that he was proud of me for being so brave.” Solomon choked up a little at the memory of his dad that day. “I didn’t think I was brave, I thought I was selfish but he wouldn’t let me back out. He told me that if I backed out I would regret it the rest of my life. He said I should go for a least one year and that if I didn’t like it I could come home.”

  “So, you came and you’re still here.”

  “There’s more to the story if you want to hear it. All that wasn’t the part I actually wanted to tell you. Mathieu, will you open the door to me?”

  He heard Mathie
u sigh, “Solomon, you deserve somebody normal. I’m a mess.”

  “You’re not a mess. You’re an artistic, smart, funny, gorgeous brunette with the most beautiful golden-brown eyes I’ve ever seen and you’re a great cook. You’re smile lights up your face and it’s something I would like to be able to see every day.”

  Mathieu wouldn’t change his mind, “I’m sorry. You’re such a wonderful man. If you stayed with me you’d only get frustrated because of my problems and you’d leave me like everyone else.”

  “I’m not everyone else Mathieu. I don’t know what it is but I feel a connection with you like I’ve never felt before. I want to get to know you and if you’ll let me, I want to help you but you have to talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry.” Solomon heard Mathieu get up and pad further into his apartment.

  CHAPTER 5

  The next morning Solomon stood outside Mathieu’s door and wished him a good morning before continuing on to work. He tried to take Mathieu’s talking to him the day before as a positive sign, at least he knew he was being heard and he wasn’t being avoided all together. If he could get Mathieu to talk more, even if it was about nothing, it would be a step in. Solomon called his neighbor several times throughout the day and left more voicemail messages. He didn’t know if they were being listened to but he felt that leaving them was worth it so Mathieu wouldn’t think that he was giving up and that the Irishman would know he wasn’t alone.

  When he got home that night Solomon repeated what he did the night before, put down his briefcase and sat on the floor. “Good evening, Mathieu. I hope you had a pleasant day. I got soaked in the rain shower this afternoon when I went to lunch. I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today but it’s London in the spring and I probably should’ve known better. I hope I don’t come down with something and I probably just jinxed myself by saying that. Anyway, I’m going to pick-up my story where I left off yesterday. Well, I’m going to skip ahead a little but I know you won’t mind. Okay?” He paused for a response. When none came he carried on, “okay. I packed my suitcase with everything I thought I needed and some things I knew I wouldn’t need but took anyway. And the day finally came when I had to get on the plane. I had been on a plane once before for a trip to Australia with my family but that didn’t compare to a flight all the way to London. I was so scared and nervous because I was coming by myself. I remember feeling sick all that morning. I know what you’re thinking too but you’re wrong; I did not cry. Okay, maybe I cried a little when I had to say good-bye to my parents at the airport but that’s all you’re going to get me to admit too so don’t pressure me or give me that face you make. You know the face I mean, the one where you scrunch up your nose and stick out your tongue.” Solomon thought he heard a quiet chuckle from the other side of the door. “The first leg of the trip went from Auckland to Sydney where I had a 5 hour layover which wasn't too bad. I was so scared I was going to miss the next flight so once I found the boarding terminal I barely moved. I didn’t want to eat or go to the toilet because I felt that the minute I stepped away they would call the flight and I would miss it. I was afraid for my luggage too. I thought that there was no way my luggage would make it onto the next plane you know, it’s not like the airlines handle flights like that every day or anything." Solomon laughed at his own little joke. "I was so relieved when they called the flight and I got on the plane for the next leg to Hong Kong. The lay-over in Hong Kong was 2 hours. I kept telling myself that everything was going fine but I couldn't help feeling like I would get lost and my luggage would wind up in Africa or someplace and I’d never see it again. My mom didn’t know it but I had taken her camera or maybe she did know but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t too concerned for my stuff but I knew she’d never forgive me if I lost that camera. I cursed myself for not putting it in my carry-on bag but what did I know. I was a stupid kid, right?”